I say complain, don’t be shocked when things don’t go your way…expect it! I wake up everyday and I go “today sucks and it’s not getting any better from here” and I am never let down. Time to drop your expectations. The days of being happy because it’s Friday are over. TGIF, Thank God It’s Friday….fuck you Friday! How many people are working Saturdays now in this shitty economy? Kiss my ass Friday!

Now we’re back to writing songs about Friday. This 13 year old “Rebecca Black” with her song “Friday”. “It’s Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday”. What the fuck does a 13 year old know about “Getting down on Friday”? What’s the big Friday night when you’re 13? Hamburgers and handjobs? Wait until you’re laid off, with a mortgage payment, you’re taking a credit card cash advance so you can pay the bill on another credit card, your cell phone only works to call 911, you’re filling up only one gallon at the pump cause your car sucks gas like it’s the new ford felcher, you haven’t been laid in weeks because the sheer thought of effort makes you tired, you’re peeing in the shower every morning to save time so you can sleep that extra 90 seconds…you wait until that day hits and then tell me how happy you are just because it’s Friday!

For those of you that haven’t heard this song, lucky you. The scoop behind this song is that this 13 year old girl (who now is 14) “Rebecca Black” recorded a song that was written for her called “Friday”. It’s this God awful, annoying, piece of shit song…and it’s catchy! Well, her mom paid $4000 to have a video shot and afterward put it up on youtube. The song only received about 1000 hits initially, it was no big deal. Then, comedian “Daniel Tosh” went on his show “Tosh.0″ on Comedy Central and played the video and shredded Rebecca Black for the absurdity of the lyrics. Well, he has such a wide following that they all went and viewed the video after and the song went VIRAL. As of June it had over 160 million hits, it was a #1 seller on i Tunes, it’s been sponsored, endorsed, she’s done a video with Katy Perry, she has a record coming out, she’s raking in money hand over fist. And what the song is about, is this 13 year old girl’s life and how happy she is cause it’s Friday!!! And she tells you throughout the lyrics of the song what her typical Friday is all about. She wakes up 7 in the morning, she comes downstairs, she has a bowl of cereal, she goes outside to wait for the bus, the bus drives by, then a car of her friends drives by (which is weird cause they’re also 13, but you let that slide)…she goes to get in the car with her friends and sees that there’s a seat open in the front, and a seat open in back, and she just can’t decide which seat she should sit in. She is weighing her options, the front or the back, she’s so perplexed, she’s flipping a coin…Rosa Parks didn’t have this fucking difficult of a time picking a seat out, but this girl just can’t seem to figure shit out. But then, it hits her…it doesn’t matter which seat she picks, it’s all gonna be OK because IT’S FRIDAY! And that’s her metaphor for life. “Everything will be OK because it’s Friday!!!” And she tells you that over and over throughout the song. “It’s Friday, Friday”, “It’s Friday, Friday”! DO YOU SEE WHY I GET MAD AND FUCKING COMPLAIN ABOUT THINGS IN LIFE? I’m out here slugging it out, going from shit hole to shit hole across the country, telling jokes for people that can’t laugh without whistling cause they’re missing so many fucking teeth, and this dumb 13 year old bitch is a millionaire cause people are retards!!!!!!

AND I BOUGHT THE FUCKING SONG!!!! Cause I’m just as retarded as everybody else!

VC

The shows out here have been interesting. The Spurs being in the playoffs messed with the attendance of the shows, but those that did show up got their money’s worth. I’ve spent so much time in the Midwest the past two years, that when I came to Texas this week, I was unsure on how to open my show. In the Midwest I open the show by talking about the Midwest and the local areas and making fun of them. However, when I came down here, before I even stepped on stage once, I realized just how mundane and hack that opening I have is. There is no way that material will translate down here and if I can’t do the material across the country, there is no reason for it to be a staple of my act. Sure, there are times when you want to make local references to get on the audiences side, but I shouldn’t be taking local references from one area and bringing them to another. It just felt artificial to me and I couldn’t bring myself to do it past the first show. What I ended up having to do last night, was search my computer at all the comedy notes I’ve made over the past two years to see if I had ANYTHING else that I wanted to try opening with. I have plenty of material that I do, but it all consists of rants and I don’t feel comfortable immediately coming out with one of those rants. I feel I want to take a couple minutes to ease the audience into the arsenal I’m about to launch. I ended up stumbling across three things that I found humorous and ended up opening both shows with. They all got a laugh the first show and then after I tweaked them in between, they got a bigger laugh the second show. I may be onto something here. I have literally hundreds of pages of comedy notes that I don’t refer back to often enough to find premises. Maybe I have more here that I can piece together before recording my new album.

On another note, Doug Stanhope’s new CD/DVD comes out this upcoming Tuesday. For those of you that don’t know, Dough Stanhope is one of my favorite comedians. He is a no bullshit comedian that onstage doesn’t care if you love him or hate him. He fought through the comedy club ranks on his way up the ladder and had a hard time at some places because audience members would walk out of his shows and then the owners would be reluctant to book him again. There were owners that stood by him and believed in him and kept giving him the opportunity to succeed at their establishments. He has a distinct comedic voice that must be heard and he proves over and over again why comedians should play to their audience and not the comedy clubs audience. We all have to go through the same song and dance at the clubs. For the clubs it’s about filling the seats, selling booze, and making money. For the comedians it’s about the audience members taking a piece of the comedian home with them. There aren’t many owners that are willing to part with their money for the future success of their comedians, but the ones that “get it” really “get it”. Doug Stanhope has now gone from a comedy club comedian to selling out theaters across the world with an audience that is there specifically for him. He didn’t cater to the masses or pander to the everyday folk, he hit the stage with a brash, honest point of view that left HIS audience coming back and wanting more. And he never fails to deliver, he releases a new album every year or two and continues to provide gut-wrenching laughter and thought provoking material. If you’ve never heard him before, get out and buy his new album “Oslo – Burning the Bridge to Nowhere”. (http://www.dougstanhope.com/journal/2011/4/18/new-dvdcd.html)

VC

This weekend I am in Connxtions Comedy Club in Lansing, MI – if you’ve never been here, just go to any suburban town near you and there you have Lansing, MI. The Midwest all looks the same: shitty roads, lots of strip malls, and burnt out 9-5′ers. I’d first like to give a shout out to the two elderly ladies who came out to the show. They are a mother/daughter in their 80′s/60′s that have been coming to this club every week for 18 years. This week was their 18th anniversary. I think it’s amazing and fantastic that these women still come out to laugh and truly just enjoy the happiness that comedy brings to them. I may be a ranting lunatic on stage, but I have a big soft spot for the elderly and I love that I have the ability to bring a smile to their face. That aside, the energy at the shows has been great and I especially enjoyed the first show tonight. I’ve been trying to find an intro for this new album. Believe it or not, I have over 45 minutes of brand new material for the album already and I still haven’t found the intro for the album yet. There are things I can open my shows with, but nothing that is striking me as THE bit that I feel would immediately put the audience on my side. I seem to be getting closer to it as the weeks go on, but I still need a few lines to pull it all together.

Thanks to Rebecca Black and her song “Friday”, I have been able to add a little to the beginning and while she may not stand the test of time, whatever annoying trend is popular at the time can be substituted in this piece I’m working on. I’m always improving and adding new material, but this new stuff feels more like the first album I released, a lot more long-winded rants rather than the shorter, choppy rants I did on “Thanks For The Clap”. It personally doesn’t matter to me as long as it’s funny and is NEW. I feel that new comedy is something that a lot of comedians lack. I don’t mean new as in “the premise must be 100% original”…I mean new as in, the comedian changes their material after a while. I’ve always taken my comedic cues from George Carlin, he had over 10 HBO specials and just spent all of his time working to the HBO special and then starting from scratch to build out the next special. I know that he had some specials better than others and he had some parts of some specials better than others. In fact, if he took his greatest hits, he’d have one amazing comedy album. However, that’s not how I feel it should work. I don’t think comedy can be angled at perfection. I think there still has to be a bit of rawness to it to make it appealing. Some comics are very structured and very tight, I think that’s great for them. For me, it doesn’t always work. To kind of contradict myself, George Carlin was very structured and very polished, but he still found a way to do all that every two years with brand new material.

The second show tonight had some drunken asshole that just kept shouting stuff from the back of the room. I just find this to be flat out annoying and I am past the point of just smiling and nodding to deal with it. I have no problem addressing it during the show and I also have no problem after the show being a dick back to the person. I used to just smile, eat it and shake hands with everybody. I still follow this rule 90% of the time, but that other 10% doesn’t deserve my patience and understanding. Don’t be a drunk, obnoxious fuck. Get up on stage and perform if you have something to say like the rest of us did at one point in our life. Don’t use my show as your soundboard to show the world how funny you are. I’ll save you the time and embarrassment: you’re not funny. We all think we’re funny when we are drunk and with our friends, but you need to know your place. If I came to your house party I’d respect that you’re the man of the hour and you have the floor. Respect my time on stage, plain and simple. Of course, without these assholes I wouldn’t have anything to bitch about. Maybe it’s all part of the Circle of Life.

I’m gonna go jerk off to the Lion King and get some sleep.

Hakuna Matata!

VC

Do we really believe that we are going to “Save the Planet”? Here, wear a wristband that says “Save the Planet”. Sure we had to kill thousands of plants to mass produce all this rubber – but it’ll remind you to be more environmentally conscious! This is the only country that’ll request you reuse your bags at the supermarket while putting all their employee’s paychecks into a new paper envelope each week.

“Go Green” – let’s celebrate Earth Day! How ironic, I wouldn’t even know it was Earth day if it weren’t for my PAPER Calendar! I remember as a kid in school they’d give you a tree to plant during Earth Week on Arbor Day. Do you know how many times I got drunk and have pissed on that tree since? Don’t be mad at me, I reused the same cup all night at that kegger! I drank tequila till I turned red and threw up until I turned green – I’m getting the hang of it!

Don’t use Aerosol Cans as they are bad for the environment! Funny that the chemicals breaking down the O-Zone were used in Aerosol cans for over 70 years before we made a move to phase them out. Why didn’t these geniuses research this shit when it was first invented? Because it doesn’t mean anything! You can’t be serious that my hairspray is polluting the air and not the nuclear bombs that we tested on US soil. Apparently that radiation has no side-effects. There are people in New Mexico born with four dicks and a tail but it must be my Aqua Net!

We need to keep Aerosol Cans & Calendars & Paper Flyers & Air Conditioners because all these products are tied to manufacturing, producing, retail, and resale which employ’s jobs in this country! I realize “Save the Earth” is a bigger idea than just the United States, but let’s take some fucking self-interest and go from there. We need jobs first before we worry about saving the planet! A strong planet and poor people is like a boxer with two broken hands, all that strength doesn’t mean shit. This planet has been around longer than us and we need to trust that it’s going to be self-sufficient. We need to worry more about the economy! Maybe if every second product sold in this country didn’t say “Made in China” we’d have more money invested here and a stimulated economy! It’s time to put a few bucks back into this country to help increase our standard of living. We’d all have a chance at a healthier life if we were all able to put a hand in our pocket and feel a few Benjamin’s floating around in there. I’d consider THAT “Going Green”!

2010 was a great year in terms of comedy for me. I had a touring schedule that years ago I could’ve only dreamed of. I was just off the heels of my latest release “Thanks For The Clap” and I spent the entire year writing and performing to bring a new album to you as quick as I possibly can. As of right now I have about 40-minutes of brand new material for my next release and I am just working on the final 20 to make sure I can match and surpass my previous efforts. There are a few tentative titles for my next relase, but I’m considering “Catharcism”, “I Can’t Complain”, “It Could Be Worse”, or ” Get a Life or Move Onto the Next One” so far. A few of the bits that will be on the album are “If Things Were Run The Way They Should Be Run”, “Born-Again Everything”, “Cyber-Bullying”, etc… I’m having a lot of fun creating and I can’t wait for the final creative surge to hit and close off this new album.

I will be posting some new videos soon to show you some behind the scenese footage of me on the road last year and since my schedule is light for the first part of the year I will be writing a lot of blogs and seeing what you guys think of my twisted thoughts as usual. I have a whole hard drive full of videos and ideas and I just have to spend some time sorting it out.

Some of the highlights in the past year for me include: performing at the world famous Comedy Store in Los Angeles, meeting up with Pablo Francisco again and giving him my new album, headlining Mark Ridley’s Comedy Castle in Detroit, MI, featuring at Zanies for the first time, and having my comedy keep me on the road for 12 out of 15 weeks between August and December. It’s allowed me to become the best comic I have ever been and I continue to keep turning heads in this business until somebody takes notice.

I have a lot more to say and I wish it could be in a better order here instead of scattered all over the place…but I am going to have to give it to you piece by piece. I’ve entitled this blog “Onto The Next One”…that is what this year is all about for me. Onto the next one in terms of career limits, new clubs, and a new album. As long as my brain keeps cranking out these thoughts, I will do my best to put a new album in your hand every 18-24 months.

Thank you for all your support throughout the past 10 years (May of this year will be my 10-year anniversary in comedy). I appreciate everything and will cherish it always. I am always complaining and you have dealt with it for 10 years…don’t forget to email me at vince@vincecarone.com and let me know some of the shit that you want to complain about too. Let’s not make this one sided!

Talk to you soon

VC

My first shout-out is to guys who buy a brand new car and then park it so fucking far away that you’d be better off taking public transportation to get where you need to go.  Somebody needs to check the pH level in their head before handing them over keys to a vehicle.  What the fuck is the point of buying a really nice new car if you’re going to have to take three taxi’s and a shuttle to get to the front door every time?  It’s a car Nancy…not a girlfriend ok? Not everybody is looking to hit it!  And what makes this oatmeal brain think that assholes don’t park in the back of a lot?  I’ve got news for ya, I drove a shitbox for many years and due to the fact that vagina doesn’t come flockin’ and flappin’ to a LeBaron, I had to park as far away from windows and doors as humanly possible. But what pisses me off even more than this guy are handicapped people with really nice cars…don’t fucking rub it in!  You already got the best spot – drive a beater like the rest of us!

Why does every body operate a shopping cart like an Asian behind the wheel of a car? I turn down an aisle yesterday to get some bread and there is a soccer mom squeezing her couch cushioned ass down the aisle and PULLING her cart! This is when the jello head in front of me gets pissed off and decides to pull a 3-point turn in about four feet of space to go the other way. This bottlenecked all of aisle four. One asshole pulls the wrong move and now we’re all crammed like a threesome in a baby crib. To top it all off, I get the lady that left her brain in the car deciding to park her cart in front of the orange juice while she walks back to see what kind of chicken she wants for dinner. This was nice and convenient. This is when being a dick comes in handy…I grabbed all of the shit she had in her cart and walked it all back to it’s original spot. Time to start over stupid – the world doesn’t have time to dumb down to you. This is the same lady who’s husband is waiting for her in the car, but parks right in front of the exit door so we all have to walk around. I have no problem following them all the way home with my shopping cart and plowing into them in their driveway.

Why does every fucking cashier have to give me my change like a complete asshole? The bills don’t face the same way, they put the higher denominations on the outside which goes against any etiquette of pulling out money…and then to be a complete jagoff they give me my 97 cents in change ON TOP of all the bills. This makes it impossible to fold up or put in my pocket with one hand. Now whatever product I bought I have to put down and sort through this sloppy pile of change. It doesn’t help that there is a line behind you and I feel rushed. Even worse, sometimes Rainman behind the counter will throw the receipt in the middle of this crumbled, shit heap he just handed me. Nobody sticks the receipt in their pocket…put it in the bag dickface! No wonder you’re working the register at the Golden Arches!

Why do people say “Amen” after somebody says something they agree with…like whatever you just said was the word of Christ?
“Let’s get hammered tonight and try to score some ass!”
“AMEN!”
I’m pretty sure if you ask What Would Jesus Do you’d get a much different answer than “lets go dry hump the back of a girls ass on the dance floor!”

If there is something I can’t stand, its sweat stains left on the equipment at the gym. To watch someone grunt, struggle, and strain on the equipment only to lather it up with their sweat glands is fucking disgusting. Get a towel and clean up after yourself. We don’t need to be rolling around on your exfoliated skin…I’m not a lint-roller for your purged fat. What’s even worse is walking by them and feeling the aura of heat being exhumed from their body. Maybe it’s better just to walk around outside for a while…we’re not all made for indoor equipment…or indoors in general for that matter.

VC

People that talk about camping like it’s the greatest thing in the world. Hmm…shitting on a trash can and sleeping on a tree root…sounds more like my 21st birthday than camping. “It’s great to be in nature”. Come on, we’re playing football, grilling burgers and fucking on a waterproof tarp, yeah we really fucking “roughed it”.

People that laugh at their own jokes…wow, wonder what forced you into that habit!

People that grunt when taking a shit in a public restroom. Nobody should be in there if they have to try that hard to shit. It’s supposed to be natural. Besides, now I know what your shoes look like and I will be watching for you in the mall!

People that refuse gum when offered a 2nd time within a 30-minute window. Hey butthole breath, take the hint…then the mint! People that don’t know the difference between sympathy and empathy. I have a lot of apathy for them.

People that truly believe there is only one person out there for everybody! Wow, so the guy that meets his wife in a town of 400 in Nebraska won the same relationship lottery as a guy who met his girl while studying overseas??? Is it possible that you’re only as “soul mate” as your surroundings??? How convenient, this guy knocks up a girl in Vegas & has a shotgun wedding while the rest of us have to “Where’s Waldo” our way throughout life until we fine the “one”. What if the Census has an odd number of people??? Who’s the designated asshole that gets fucked on that soul mate equation???

Tonight’s update doesn’t encompass my comedy as much as something else that was more important. Early on in the night I learned that a party of over 100 people were there for a fundraiser for a women named Raven. Raven unfortunately has Ovarian Cancer. From what was explained to me, she has beaten it 4-times before and now it has come back again.

After the show Raven came up to me with a huge smile on her face telling me how great I was. How great I was??? There is nobody tonight more great than Raven herself. This brave, strong women has stared into the eyes of the horror known as Cancer multiple times and beaten it over and over again. I will never be as great as Raven. She earned my respect, love and hope all in a matter of minutes. She is a true survivor and she is going to pull through this one too.

Tonight is a big eye opener for me when it comes to what I do for a living. I’ve had this scenario happen before, but as usual, after time I always go back to living my life and not focusing on the things that matter. I do what I do on stage every week to bring joy to others and to myself. When I make a connection with people, it can be for a multitude of reasons, but the fact remains that I found something in them to relate too. But in making the comedic connection I often neglect to think about the people that came out to the show just because they NEEDED to smile and laugh. There are people getting laid off, breaking up with loved ones, dealing with the death of loved ones, or in tonight’s case…fighting the worst disease on the planet. Normally in situations like this, I don’t know what to say or what to do to comfort somebody I don’t know well. Tonight, I knew exactly what to do. When I heard of Raven’s story, I asked where she was and when she came out the door after the show to tell me how great I was…I grabbed her and gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek and whispered in her ear to stay strong and never stop fighting. She said she would do everything she could and I knew she meant it. She had so many people there tonight that loved her and that is SO important at a time like that. You are as strong as the people around you and Raven is blessed to have such loving people around her. I gave her a copy of both my albums as it was the least I could do. I hope she can listen to them and find time to smile and laugh again whenever she is feeling less than up to par.

I am a comedian because I want to be, but sometimes in life you have to step up to the plate unexpectedly and assume a role you didn’t anticipate. Tonight I stepped up to the plate and was able to deliver. It is a humbling night, but I’m going to go to bed smiling and thinking pleasant thoughts knowing I did what I could to brighten up the day for somebody else who needed it.

I’m praying for you Raven, best wishes with everything and I want to hear from you when you kick the shit out of this for the 5th time.

VC

They say “There are just some days that Bob is an asshole, you know?” Now you are forced to either agree with this prick and talk shit about Bob or you have to say “I don’t think he’s an asshole”. The problem with the latter is that you’re now engaging them in conversation and you’ll end up in a longer discussion talking about nothing.

Some people just like to hear themselves talk which sucks because most of the time we can’t stand it when they talk. Doesn’t it just make you cringe when somebody you don’t like starts talking to you? Then you have to put on the happy-go-lucky “I don’t hate your existence” face! You put on the phony smile while inside you’re just thinking of 18-different ways to punch this loser in the face!

Then to top it off, you and this tampered sperm are sitting in a room when all of a sudden they start making statements and expect you to ask questions to keep it moving.

Tampered Sperm: Lunch is gonna be weird today…
(This is where this fuck face expects you to ask “why”)

You: Why?

Tampered Sperm: Cindy is gonna be there and it’ll probably be weird after last weekend…
(This is where this taint boil expects you to ask “what happened last weekend”)

You: What happened last weekend?

(Says “Oh” trying to act like he didn’t know you’d ask him)
Tampered Sperm: Oh, she saw her ex-boyfriend while we were out and he went nuts.

(This is where this crusted crotch wants you to get excited and ask “what did he do?”)

You: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you…I don’t give a flying fuck about you, Cindy, or her ex! I thought if I went along in this stupid conversation it’d be over in a minute and we’d both be able to go on with our day. But no, you have to constantly be an annoying, boring, dickstick that can’t just leave well enough alone. We don’t talk for a reason…you have the personality of a lamppost! Your stories continually get worse and every time that you start to talk to me my body gets the shivers like somebody just ran their nails down a chalkboard. I hear your voice and I immediately start looking around for anything else that I can inflict harm with! The problem is that it wouldn’t help! Even if I bashed your face in with a stone mallet I wouldn’t be solving anything. Then you’d wind up in the hospital and with my fucking luck I’d be in the hospital bed right next to you because at that point I would have succeeded in detaching my ears from my head! They’d sew my ears back on and the first thing I’d hear from you is:

Tampered Sperm: Cindy came to visit me earlier and it was weird…

Fuck me and fuck you!