Sometimes you take a gig for the pure enjoyment of comedy, sometimes you take a gig for the money, and sometimes you take a gig because you know it’s the only way you’ll ever get to see that part of the country. This was the case for me this past weekend in Bismarck, ND. I was offered to do this gig a few months back and while going to North Dakota in the middle of January wasn’t overly enticing, this helped with my goal of eventually performing in all 50 states and/or visiting all 50 states.

**Running into Pat McGann at the airport**

Friday morning, I got to O’Hare Airport and tried to pull up my airline ticket on my phone. Well, because the airlines are now fucking you with “Economy Seating”, which are the same seats that everyone else is sitting in, minus being able to bring a carry-on onboard, minus getting the mileage for the flight, and a variety of other horse-shit rip-offs that the airlines somehow manages to avoid legal action on…I wasn’t able to pull up my ticket on my phone. I was informed via text that I would have to see somebody at the counter to get my ticket. This is their security protocol to make sure a peasant like me isn’t sneaking on a carry-on. So, I wait in the line to see the counter-agent, only to be informed by a REAL person that I would actually have to go to the automated MACHINE. I would have to pull up my ticket on that machine, and then the REAL person would be informed to come over by me and help me. So, like a newly confused sodomite, I went over to the machine, plugged in my information and sure enough, I got a warning that said “need an agent”. I turn around to find that the previous agent I spoke with is nowhere to be found because apparently 7am is break-time for United, and so I was alone. After about 10-minutes of waiting, I got my ticket and started heading down to TSA pre-check (which is another rant for another day). Well, in my angry stupor, I hear “Hey Vince” behind me, and turn around to find out that it’s my comic buddy Pat McGann. He was on his way to a gig in Seattle and we just happened to run into each other. We got to catch up over breakfast before our flights. It was great to see him and be able to congratulate him on all the success he is having.

Pat and I parted ways and I boarded a plane that looked like the engines needed to be pull-started like a lawn mower. Due to the Corona virus scare and my auto-immune condition (listen to this podcast for the full story), I decided that I had to be that guy and wear a mask over my face.

Anyway, I landed in Bismarck and made my way over to my hotel. From there, after checking in, I needed to get food. So, I walked over to the Gateway Mall, and this is where I realized that Bismarck and Chicago pronounce things differently. In North Dakota they call this place a “mall”, in Chicago we call it a “homeless shelter”. I walked in and every store was gated shut. The only things I saw were a guy selling hemp rugs and old ladies playing bunko next to a hotdog vendor. Anyway, I went to a 1950’s diner located in the mall and ordered the Buddy Holly burger…Oh Boy!

One thing I noticed walking around North Dakota is that they don’t exactly snowplow as much as they drive a fucking zamboni across their roads. Everything out there is a sheet of ice with no actual road in site. I slipped/slided my way to my Uber that evening to take me to the venue: Sixteen03 Main Events. I was excited to be a part of the show as my buddy and hilarious comedian Jimmy Roberson was on the show with me. We got to chat before the show and have some laughs with the opening comedian Andy Mattfield. The shows on Friday & Saturday both went well - nothing unique about either one of them. We did our thing, we got some laughs, we sold some shit, we went back to our hotel.

**Jimmy Roberson, Me, and Andy Mattfield**

The fun part of the weekend for me was getting to hang with the comics after the show. There was a bar in our hotel that apparently was like fucking Time Square to Bismarck. People flocked to this bar as the local hangout. I was hanging with Jimmy and his girlfriend and just having some good conversation, along with some laughs. Some random dude came up to us and started chatting with us, which if you know me, this is not something in my wheelhouse. I don’t overly enjoy the company of strangers and I would never have the balls to just walk up to a random table of guys/girls and just start interjecting into their night. I would view that as me being rude. However, this guy didn’t view it that way. He chatted and started unloaded his life story from birth until that day on Jimmy’s girlfriend. Jimmy and I tried to slink off and make ourselves as small as possible at the table while using carny-talk to validate that we both wanted to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible.

Anyway, I got back on a plane early that next morning and flew back home to where people speak the same language as me.

Slip, Slidin’, Away…

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